Why am I always burning?

-

I am burning. I am always burning.


Every evening, after the rush and thrill of the day has passed, I often start getting my depression back. Earlier I used to think it is because of the hardship I am in; the poverty, expectations, failures or even my addictions! 

Things are getting better with time; the poverty is being irradicated by my new job which I like and pays me decent amount of money. 

The expectations are getting fulfilled; again because I have a job and I am able to fulfil needs of myself and my family.

The weight of my failures is reducing as I am getting better at my job and as I am becoming a bit better than how I used to be.

My addictions are the last thing which I need to over come and I am trying since a lot of years but there are mixed days. It is really difficult for me to get rid of them but I won't stop till I become better at them too!
Yet, I am always burning.
My past still haunts me. The ghost of being let go because of not being able to meet often; not being tall enough; not being old enough; for having a lot of responsibilities; for just not being what they want is very scarring and has left me always vulnerable.

The pain of abandonment, then coming back into my life and then again going away with someone else and laughing at me for it has left me into a never ending cycle of hurt, depression and resentment about the way I was, the way I am. 

I did my best. I tried being the best guy ever but I always knew I was never good enough for who I was with. 
I always thought salvation lies within.

But, never thought it would be so hard to get it. I try every day to be better than I was. I always try to be the best person in the room. Not because I want to be for someone! but, because I like being better as I think, being able to be better than yesterday is a boon to us.

It is in our hands to be better; simply because we can!

After writing what goes in my mind I am feeling much better and relieved in a way. I think there is still hope and I will try to be better than yesterday, everyday.

I love being able to achieve things I always wanted. I love being able to the best. The best version of myself everyday.

😊



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Extraction.

-
Some of the longest workdays lay a foundation for hope, building a level of satisfaction and leaving you with a sense of accomplishment. These days often push us to our limits, but they also bring out our best selves. They foster creativity, collaboration, and a deep connection to our work and colleagues. After a long day of problem-solving and achieving goals, the feeling of contributing to something meaningful can be incredibly fulfilling. It’s in these moments that we realize our potential and the impact we can make.   Conversely, some of the longest workdays lay a weak foundation as fragile as quicksand. They can build a level of frustration, leaving you with a sense of rage and helplessness. When the hours stretch on without clarity or purpose, productivity wanes, and motivation plummets. Tasks become burdens, and the joy of work fades into a monotonous grind. In these moments, burnout looms large, and the once-thriving passion for our roles feels like a distant memory. ...
Read more